Fatherhood 101

Just like my writing, reigning in and managing all the aspects of fatherhood overwhelms me. I know I spend oodles more time with my children than my father ever did. Of course, he is no defining standard bearer for family interaction. He most often went out to satisfy his own (selfish, in my eyes) desires when he wasn’t pulling overtime as a police officer. I obviously had no role model of what a father should be.

With all the interaction and contact I have with my children, I’ve come to realize quality trumps quantity. Ok, ok, I know this should be self-evident, and it is. It is one thing to understand what should happen, another to do the deed. Quality interaction can be as simple as a hug. A smile. A thumbs up. A joke (especially with teens). Walks. Shopping (for age and gender appropriate items…).

I work out the home, so I am available to the children most all the time. That said, my work is an apparent barrier. They grasp my need to get work accomplished (aided, of course, by years of my insistence on privacy when working). The barrier comes in when I am available but still in my office keying. They cannot tell the difference.

I get interrupted daily by a trek to two schools to pick up children. This impacts my work day and forces me to make up the time in the evening. Next thing I know, children are going to bed and I’ve missed another opportunity. I know I control this issue. The struggle comes in changing patterns and a work ethics system that says work before play and interaction. I need to forge a shift in habit. Do you understand how difficult this is at fifty-three and over twenty years raising children with at least twelve more years on the horizon?

Then there is Daddy’s playtime. Each of us needs our space. Fortunately my wife does not count my work time in my office as ‘me’ time, but I could see that as a problem for many men out there that work from home. I need time to get out and exercise, enjoy nature and the world, and sometimes I need this time to be – alone. My ‘play’ time suffers more than any other aspect listed in this post.

I sacrifice my time in the interest of work and family. I’m frustrated because I cannot seem to slim down 30 pounds worth. Exercise would help. Time to exercise is critical. Many a downward spiral sprouts from my blurred timelines and interactions.

All the issues in this post may be summed up under the term ‘discipline’ or lack thereof. One of the major characteristics of being a creative personality and writer is that discipline causes me huge struggles. Often, I need assistance in disciplining myself and my time. I understand now, after many years of struggle, that my tussling with discipline will be life-long.

My experience with discipline-driven concepts is that one must possess desire behind the play. This is tough to maintain when your personality rails against discipline in your work and play. I suppose, if there is a major point to this post it would be for fathers to commiserate on their struggles to find balance in their lives with family, work and play, and to offer the answer few of us want to hear – disciplining yourself may help quite a bit.

Next time you notice yourself bypassing a moment with one of your children, make the conscious (disciplined) decision to at least smile or give out a hug. Work on those small connections daily. Don’t make this a 12 step method. Invest your desire to connect with your child. They will be gone all too soon. Two of our six children have been out on their own for eight years. We have enough children in the home to take up the next thirteen years. I’ve seen how fast this moves. Look up from your work one day and your child has moved to another state.

Please, take a conscious moment to connect. Reward yourself with a twenty minute walk each night, alone, when you do.